Dare to Drive

I hate lots of things: liars, Christmas decorations up through January, fake cheese, the word tasty. But the thing I hate more than anything is traffic — specifically, jackwagons whose driving creates traffic.

Since I have yet to be placed in charge of a federal DMV, let's run down some basic driving rules.

If you are at a light waiting to turn left, pull the fuck into the intersection so all the poor saps behind you can go straight. I cannot stress this one enough. It is first on the list for a reason. Pull forward.

If you are making a right at a red light, you can bloody well go if there is no traffic. Unless there is a no-turn-on-red sign, the world is your oyster, sir.

There is no greater responsibility than being in line at a red light, especially if you are first. Pay attention. Green means go. You get 2 seconds to find the gas pedal and maintain dignity.

If you are making a right turn while driving, you have two options: slow down, pull into the shoulder, and take the turn slowly, allowing others to go around you, or maintain speed and take the turn wide at that speed (as God intended).

Use your turn signal. It's not there to be pretty. But also remember to turn it off if necessary. Come on now, son.

If you are using your windshield wipers, your headlights sure as shite better be on.

For the love of God, never be in the left lane unless you are at least 10 mph above the speed limit. This lane is meant for crime, people, and not for the faint of heart.

When we finally get the opportunity to pass you, don't speed up like this is a dick-measuring contest. You shot your shot, and you blew it. So settle down there, dude, and leave the speeding to the professionals.

Don't slow down to look at an accident or car broken down on the side of the highway. What are you expecting to see that makes the traffic jam you are causing worth it?

However, move the hell over for emergency vehicles lest you find yourself in one someday, and the arse in front of your ambulance decides he doesn't need to follow the social contract.

Should you find yourself on the highway near an officer of the law, you are allowed (and encouraged) to pass them as long as you do so safely. You cannot blow past at 80, but you can pass at 60 because he is only messing with everyone. (You can trust me on this one.)

Follow the 4-way stop rules. Do not wave someone else through when it is clearly your turn. It only slows down the process. This is not the place for kindness, Susan.

Stop treating yield signs like stop signs. You can blow through a yield sign at 55 mph without traffic. Stop stopping for no damn reason.

Conversely, don't speed down a highway onramp if there is no place to merge, forcing you to slam on your breaks at the end of the ramp, thereby preventing you from ever gaining the appropriate speed to merge AND making everyone behind you slam on their brakes. Get it together.

There you have it. Drive forth and stop pissing the rest of us off.